December 24th of 2011 I wrote a post titled WHY 2012 WILL BE BIG. I wrote about my (then) recent diagnosis of Tourette Syndrome and all the arms and legs associated with it and all the light it shed on 39 years of knowing something’s not right…but not knowing what that something is. That post elicited a level of support and hope and gratefulness that had tears in my eyes on more than one occasion. It still does. And as my boot-strap-hell-yea-I’m-coming-out-guns-a-blazin’ prognostication would have it, 2012 was big. Personally and professionally. It wasn’t stellar wire-to-wire, mind you. But in the large scheme of things, absolutely.
Recently, I’ve had a hard time maintaining a large scheme of things perspective. I get into the weeds pretty easily when it comes to the day-to-day or week-to-week. I list the hell out of things. Sometimes I’m able to find my way out like a champ. Sometimes, not so much. Part of my struggle is that I’ve taken a stand against riding the pharma-go-round.
Through most of ’12 I sought some sort of hallelujah balance from two or three different meds at two or three different dosages. I needed to find a way to temper my OCD but maintain my creativity. To reduce my bouts with depression but keep the ADHD in check. To minimize the ticks that wrinkle my nose and brow, flex my fingers, toes and roll my right shoulder, make me sniff, clear my throat and blink heavily – but not mellow me to the point of becoming a lump.
Short story: there’s no magic bullet, and there’s a certain amount of baloney I’m going to have to live with regardless of medication prescribed. That being the case, I decided to forego them – the meds – altogether and go toe-to-toe with the devil I know. I’m trying to eat healthier, exercise more and generally be more active. I try to get out and fish or just get outside as much as possible with the kids–giving me some necessary downtime. Much like the story behind the film we’re working on, I’m just trying to be more deliberate with how I live.
It hasn’t been easy. At all. Life and work have had me jumping through my own ass over the last 6 months (thus the radio silence on here). But I’ve been jumping through my own ass in some way shape or form pretty much since the time my mom put me on the bus for kindergarten at the corner of Buffalo St. some 35 years ago. Such is the nature of the disability. Such is life. Of course, given the deeply painful and (yet again) life-/country-changing events in Boston yesterday, my challenges pale in comparison. My heart hurts, absolutely hurts for those folks.
And yet, in spite of my challenges and the insanity in the world (or maybe because of them), as my two-year freelanciversary quickly approaches (May one ’11 was Day One) and as I watch in awe as my kids grow right before my eyes, I realize that there’s still a hell of a lot of this journey called life left to wander and a lot of good left to accomplish — and I’m exceedingly grateful for the people in my life, then and now, who have supported me in finding my way. I’m still at it.
You know what though – we all are.
And I’m grateful for that too.