FIVE WEIGHT

Posted by | On the water, Time in service | 3 Comments

Not here. You fuckers cannot follow me here.

His dad looked over his shoulder from the tailgate at Charlie, standing in the tall grass looking over the river, hands tucked into the top of his waders, rod under his arm.

“You say something bud?”
Charlie thought he’d whispered it.
“Nope… Hey, need instructions for those waders or what?”
Dad smiled. “Funny. Either I’m getting heavy or these might be your mother’s.”

***

“I don’t know what I’m hoping to get out of this. I don’t even want to be here.”

“No?”

“No. But I know something’s not right. Hasn’t been right since…well…shit, for a while. Listen, you’ve got to understand, I’m not weak.
I can’t be weak and do what I do.”

“Just because you want to talk
doesn’t mean you’re weak.”

“I’m not weak.
I just can’t take these ghosts anymore.”

***

Charlie enlisted right out of high school. His first day of Basic Training was the first day of Desert Shield. August 3, 1990. Combat Engineer School followed. Then Airborne, Air Assault, Ranger School. He knew immediately that this was his purpose, his place in the large scheme of things.

Home on leave for the first time in a year and a half, Charlie met up with his friends, all home from college for the summer. He’d be heading back to Germany in a few days, then on to Saudi.

The five of them sat around a firepit in Corey’s parent’s backyard. Drinking Milwaukee’s Best. Passing a makeshift beer-can pot pipe and lighter. Guns N’ Roses from a radio up by the house.

His friends traded stories. Screwing girls, puking in bar parking lots, blowing off classes. “College is fucking awesome.”

Charlie thought about Ranger School. The hell he’d just been through, and how much stronger he was for it. The reality of war. “Throw me another beer, bro.”

***

Hunting and fishing mornings always started early. It seemed like no matter how early he woke up, his dad would have coffee brewing when Charlie came downstairs. And no matter how early they planned on leaving, they always managed a half-hour to sit and talk optimistically about the morning’s game-plan and chances.

Last night, Charlie had only slept for a couple fitful hours. He was used to it.
His dad still didn’t sleep well either, even with Charlie home now. He too was used to it.

His dad poured two cups. Pushed one across the counter.
Charlie asked, “so, you been out much?”
“Not as much as I’d like. But some. Not much fun flying solo.”
Charlie smiled, drank some coffee. “Nobody to back up your stories.”
“Or hold the net,” his dad added.

Charlie leaned on the counter, holding his cup in both hands. “We going to start near Avoca or at the train trestle?”
“Thought we’d try the train trestle. Last couple times I went, the browns were hungry early.”

A few minutes passed silently. In that short time Charlie’s thoughts ran an improbable path from the kitchen to sitting in a turret behind a .50-cal counting insurgent rifle shots to listening to distant gunshots during deer season as a kid to speaking with Iraqi soldiers and civilian mechanics in Arabic to a Metallica tune to the mute chaos of triage and evacuation after a roadside explosion to drunken fist-fights over drunk-and-willing girls in G.I. bars.

His thoughts snapped back to the kitchen and their conversation. “So, I picked up some more 7x. Some gnats and BWOs too.” He wasn’t sure how obvious it was that his mind was off someplace else, or for how long.
“Good deal,” his dad replied. “And I’ve got plenty of nymphs if you need any.”

Charlie walked over to the pot, refilled his coffee. “You want some more?”
“I’m good.” His dad stood, stretched his back. “I’ll already be in and out of my waders all morning to piss.”

***

“What kind of ghosts?
Are they memories, or visions?
Do you actually see them?”

“No, I don’t see them.
They’re more like a sense of dread…makes me ice-numb.
I feel helpless and scared and pissed-off. Like trying to lift a sleeping arm.
Like that primal noise of fear and rage you manage to get out of your throat in the moment before your car hits a deer or tree…”

***

Saudi was his first hitch in the desert. Desert Storm. Cold nights. Brutal, day-long heat. The grit of powder-like sand in his boots, his eyes and nose, in his gear, skivvies, food. There was talk of chemical and biological attacks, but no combat, to speak of. Regardless, the landscape of the Middle East fascinated him. Its rugged, foreign beauty. When Operation Iraqi Freedom kicked off in 2003, Charlie looked forward to his first tour. His time in country passed quickly. He came home tired, but motivated.

By his third tour, he had enough of the desert and mountains. In the rugged beauty he saw hideouts and ambush points, insurgent shadows and death. Too much death. He wanted time to pass quickly, but it only slowed. Firefights and tactical advances from block to block, city to city lessened. The cold edge he felt in his chest though, did not. Charlie came home from his third tour and the ghosts came with him.

***

He slid the three sections from the tube, gently piecing the 5-weight fly rod together. He half-expected the cork in his hand to feel like the pistol grip of his AR. A phantom limb. The dead weight that followed him home.

This was his first time back on the Cohocton in almost ten years. During each deployment, at night or when they’d break from patrols, he used to let his mind wander its riffles and runs and long lazy pools. The river was a welcome break from his unwelcome reality.

As his mind started to clear, the water became audible. He listened as it rolled and broke over itself in various distinct and soft pitches. Repeating its short chorus over and over. Small part of a much larger song.

With no line strung or fly tied to tippet, Charlie waded slowly out into a knee-deep stretch and stood, breathing the October morning in through his nose. His dad watched from the truck, waiting for him to exhale.

***

“At first they felt like a rush—the ghosts—a constant adrenaline.
I was always on.
Like in the first years of my enlistment. I’d go out to bars or clubs off-post. I knew long before I even went out that I’d find a fight.

I remember telling an ER Doc once that the mood struck me after I got out of the shower, while I stood in front of the mirror putting on deodorant. She just finished stitching up my eyebrow. Told me I was lucky it wasn’t worse.”

“Do you know why you wanted to fight?”

“Not really, other than sometimes it just takes more to make you feel alive, you know? But eventually the adrenaline runs out. The rush changes.”

“How so?”

“Well, everything just turned really fucking dark and heavy…I’d have to fight to find my way back.
After a while, there was no way back.”

“No way back. What do you mean?”

***

His flight home from Atlanta had been uneventful. His row was empty on both planes. From his window seat, Charlie studied the easy southern Blue Ridge landscape during take-off, the incomplete NYC skyline touching down at JFK, and then the sprawling upstate farm-fields and lakes and woods as the plane droned its way from the belly of clouds above Rochester. He’d lost track of how many times he’d seen these landscapes from his window seat over the years. But every time felt like they were brand new.

Between JFK and Rochester, Charlie’s mind went to an afternoon in a dusty Mosul intersection, their Humvee parked with a view down two city streets. Sitting in the front passenger seat, his foot propped against the Humvee’s bullet-proof door.

People moved here and there in the streets in their daily busyness. A little girl, no more than 2 or 3, walked in bare feet toward Charlie and his open door. He watched. His men watched.

A few weeks earlier he had pulled burned, bleeding, dead fellow soldiers from the twisted, bullet-proof remains of their Humvee. A van packed with explosives t-boned their vehicle. The blast left a crater 24 feet deep. Scorched pieces of the Humvee found 300 meters away.

She walked up to Charlie, smiled, reached up with both hands and started swinging from the handle on the outside of the door. He pushed the door with his dusty boot, letting it swing back before pushing it again. The little girl swung and laughed, bright as the sun. The flight attendant’s voice brought him back. “We’re making our descent. Can you put your seat in the upright position? Thanks.”

Charlie walked through the A Terminal, back toward the glass-walled waiting area. Pressed BDUs and shined jump-boots. Full and well-worn military duffel over his right shoulder. A little girl took three steps from where her parents stood and stopped him.

“My big brother used to wear camouflage too,” she said confidently. “He fought bad-guys in the desert, but now he’s with gramma in heaven.” She looked Charlie right in the eyes, “do you fight bad-guys in the desert?”
Charlie kneeled, “I do.”
“Better be careful,” she advised in an almost-whisper.
Her dad stepped over to them, extended his hand. “Yes, please be careful.”

Charlie stood, shook the man’s hand with a knowing nod, turned and resumed the walk to his family, waiting on the other side of the glass wall.

***

“I remember an attack that happened about 300m in front of me. A van packed with explosives t-boned a Humvee. The explosion was so powerful that it flipped the Humvee across the road to the other side of traffic. The gunner was ejected and died there. Everyone else was dead inside while the Humvee caught on fire. We were able to pull one guy out and it happened to be the interpreter. Doc and I worked on this guy in our vehicle while he was evacuated to the CASH. He seemed fine, but in a lot of pain. In these situations, pain is good… it means he still had feeling.

The toughest thing is that this isn’t the first time I’ve had to work on someone. All of them have either died in my care or shortly after. I know Doc and I do everything that we possibly can to save these guys. It is just hard to send these guys into the CASH telling them that they are going to make it, then hear later that they didn’t.

If you see enough, you stop feeling pain. You’re dead inside. There’s no way back.”
“And there’s no way back.”

“Right.”

***

Charlie sat in his idling pickup at a red light. Left turn lane. Blinker blinking. Pink Floyd, Coming back to life, came on the radio. Caught in a long stare over his left hand draped top-center of the steering wheel. His mind still trying to make it home.

He had seen Floyd in Atlanta. Drove up from Ft. Benning to Bobby Dodd Stadium. Light-show on the belly of charcoal gray storm clouds, Bill Clinton played sax. Charlie opened and closed his hand above the steering wheel.

He felt good in the old truck. The smell of the cab reminded him of his dad’s Carhartt jacket, work boots, climbing belt and tools. It was the smell of his childhood. Home.

Charlie looked down at his own boots, rubbed dirt from one with the other. Left turn lane. Blinker. The radio station moved on to Neil Young. He looked back up through the windshield. The sun now clear of the trees.

***

“I’m just so fed up with all of it. The killings, the bombings, the ridiculous political bullshit, it doesn’t make sense anymore.”

“That’s good you know?”

“What’s good?”

“Your anger.
It’s no different than pain.
That’s good.”

“I’m just so tired. I don’t sleep. My mind…it just won’t shut off…won’t be quiet. I’m going to get out. I’ve got to get out. Maybe find a place on a river out west. Hell, maybe Alaska. Off the grid and on with my life…a new place in the large scheme of things.”

“Is that going to help you
make it back?”

“You tell me.”

“It might help you find some peace.
But it’s going to take some
work to really come back.
You can’t do it alone.”

“I know.”

“So what’s next?”

“I’m flying home. My dad and I have some long-overdue time on the water we need to spend.”

“Your file says you’ve got
one more tour coming up.”

“Yea. Afghanistan. Early next spring. That’ll make five.”

***

His dad headed for a wide meandering stretch below the trestle. Charlie followed his memory along a long-overgrown path toward a run 500 yards upstream.

The river was narrower here. The far bank rising from the water, leveling out briefly and then rising again as a heavily wooded hillside. This spot had given up a beautiful brown his last trip, his largest. 18 or so inches of head-shakes and big shoulders. A fish that size in the Cohocton was rare. A story told by old-timers. Charlie let himself believe that brown still haunted that stretch.

Rises along the far bank. One aggressive splash like clockwork three feet downstream of a forked, half-submerged log. Just beyond the seam. Charlie kneeled in the shallow water at his feet, scanning across the surface to find a hatch—fleeting movement in relief against the dull burgundy and gray of the far bank.

Half thought, half whisper. “All right boys, what are you after?”

Splash.

Tippet held between his lips, Charlie pinched a #20 Griffith’s Gnat from his fly box. The river pushed and flowed at his feet. Fish rising like clockwork. Tippet to fly. Five wraps, through and through for the clinch knot. Charlie’s mind wandered. His calloused fingers moving instinctively.

He pulled line from his reel. Let it drop into the current at his feet. Two, three, four false casts. The beautiful weight of the line against the flexing fly rod, against the pull and push of his hand and wrist and shoulder. The weight of five tours in perfect flight away from him.

***

This story first appeared in Pulp Fly Vol. 1, an anthology of fly fishing stories, back in 2011.

FIRST LIGHT

Posted by | Fatherhood and venison jerkey, In the woods | 4 Comments

First light

At first light I returned to where we had last seen blood. A sparkling sheen of frost on the fields, thin ice on standing water, and my breath hanging lazily in the air made the stillness feel full and close like a heavy flannel. I hoped that morning would show us that Cam’s buck had simply laid down last night and the small roaming sweeps of our flashlights had simply missed spotting him. Cam was at school. I walked with my thoughts.

After two hours I had to resign myself to the fact that he wasn’t going to give himself up. But as disappointed as I was that this is the turn events took, I have to move past last night’s speculation. Whether other hunters claimed him, or he simply ran far further than we thought conceivable, that animal walked into Cam’s life yesterday afternoon and gave him the gift of firsthand awe, wonder, and appreciation.

Listening to him describe the deer and the moment, reliving each sense, was poetry. His color and muscled stature. The almost wide-eyed look and breathless jitters of being in rut. How unreal the sheer size of his antlers looked when he turned his head. Leaves crunching under another, smaller buck’s hooves. The warm light of sunset. At 14 he is in possession of an awareness, calmness, and understanding of the natural world around him that I didn’t truly come to until I was an adult, in spite of growing up fishing and hunting with my dad. Cam takes nothing for granted. He accepts that things happen for a reason, broadens his perspective, and moves forward with gratitude. Life’s lessons are for learning, not lamenting.

I know that too soon his life will take him far and wide as he settles into his place and purpose. As a parent, this is my hope. But right now his journey is just beginning. And I’m fortunate enough to be able to share this stretch of it with him.

#theyearofhappiness

Posted by | Life, Time in service | 9 Comments

The 4th day of the new year is winding down. A couple fingers of bourbon. Leif Vollebekk singing Cairo Blues. Two dogs vying for heat-run space and my attention. A crockpot full of brisket filling the kitchen like the recitation of a long-simmering poem. My wife will be home from work soon. The kids are with their mom. And I’m sitting in the midst of everything thinking about everything. Writing some stuff down.

Earlier this morning I dropped off a dear old friend at the airport who I was stationed with in Germany. He flew in from Portland on a last minute invite and serendipitous timing to visit and celebrate New Years with us. The last time we saw each other was in 2010 when I flew out to Portland to meet him and fish the Fall, Dechutes, and Metolius Rivers together. Prior to that was 1993 when my tour in Germany (and our tenure as roommates) ended and my boots pointed toward Ft. Benning, Georgia for my next duty station. We were teenagers. Army Privates who were a long way from home. A few of us became close friends, as happens when the world is suddenly far bigger than you’ve known and you need to rely on others to help keep your shit straight. Thankfully, he and I have managed to actually stay connected beyond Facebook likes and comments on pictures of kids, fish, or new vehicles.

During his visit, Josh reminded me of the substance of our late night Pendleton whisky talks from my 2010 trip west. We spent two cold April days up to our nuts fly fishing in unproductive water and two cold April nights crowding a riverside campfire before climbing into a thin nylon tent and 30-below fart-sacks, and then a couple better days of fishing and nights lounging in a yurt at Tumalo State Park outside of Bend during a snow storm. I wasn’t happy in work or my marriage, and wasn’t very present as a dad with my three kids. I hadn’t been for a while. He was trying to navigate a divorce and the intricacies of a tough dating scene while being a great dad to his (then) 6 year old boy.

We were back in a world far bigger that we’d known from both a personal and a camping-in-Umpqua-National-Forest standpoint, and needed to lean on each other to keep our shit straight again. We bared our souls and spilled our guts. We listened and empathized. We raised glasses to the things that we loved and middle fingers to everything that was wrong. We both just wanted to be happy, and find an even keel. On the last day of our trip we hiked up to the headwaters of the Metolius, a small garden of quiet, unassuming springs in the shadow of Black Butte, and Josh asked me this question: why don’t you just do what you need to do to be happy?

That question started the atrophied wheels of my motivated, idealistic, hungry-for-life younger self in motion. Far more than I understood at the time. Over the next six years it sparked my move to freelance, inspired Deliberate Life, helped me come to terms with ending my marriage, and strengthened my love and involvement with my kids, family, and friends. It also led me to a place (mentally/emotionally/physically) where I was ready to meet the woman who I just married this past August.

When Amanda and I started dating and sharing photos on Instagram we created the hashtag #theyearofhappiness to accompany all the big and small moments we captured and celebrated in our life (it seems to have caught on a little). And even though we’re well outside of that first year, it still lives on. It lives on because the year of happiness is not a finite period of time. It’s a state-of mind and being. It’s a reminder that you can, in fact, do what you need to do to be happy, and that we found each other because of our individual pasts, not in spite of them. Happiness is a choice that we are all capable of making.

I was extremely sad and nostalgic on the drive home from the airport. Saying goodbye to a brother after so short and meaningful a visit is never easy. The car was packed with the ghosts of the full expanse of our shared experiences, meandering pasts and mindful todays, our choices and the failures and successes born of them. We had so much more to say, so much more ground to cover than time available. But I’m grateful that we’ve stayed in touch and that Josh was here with us to close out the end of this particular year of happiness, especially since he played a significant role in making it possible. I know we’ll be making a point of not letting so much time pass before our next visit.

To that end, I wish you all #theyearofhappiness many, many times over. Hashtag the shit out of every one of them.

THE INTERVIEWS: PETRA PAGE-MANN, FRUITION SEEDS

Posted by | Interviews | No Comments

I learned about Punnet squares in high school. The simple 4-square explanation of which dominant or recessive traits would be expressed in flowers, vegetables, animals, and babies. I was fascinated by biology and genetics and how we were able to not only predict the genotype and phenotype of breeding pairs, but experiment with new, stronger, or more favorable breeds of vegetables, flowers, and fruits, as well as understand and then fight disease in all living things on a genetic level.

I didn’t understand the real value of this experimentation and study then, but in the several decades since (and through a looooong Bio-Chem, Genetics, and Forensics tenure as an undergrad) I’ve learned that these discoveries from the early 1900s are actually part of the underpinnings of the immensely important sustainability-conversation that is being had all over the globe.

In the world of fruits, vegetables, and flowers these discoveries are also part of what inspires some tremendously dedicated individuals – people like Petra Page-Mann and her partner Matthew Goldfarb at Fruition Seeds – to explore further, bringing the global conversation to a very practical, attainable, and local place with the development of resilient, organic, regionally-specific seeds.

Here, Petra discusses the importance of their work with regional seed genetics, their process, and the benefits of sustainable food production in the communities we live in and the larger world we all share.

Use the controls at the bottom of the image to zoom and navigate the story.

Smythe_DreamRealized

This story originally appeared in POST Magazine.
Photography by Hannah Betts